Life Detox – I Need To Fix Me

Everyone has their quirks, granted some may be more tiring than others. That being said, sometimes we need to evaluate them and our lives.

People can have good quirks that make us who we are, and we can have quirks that possibly make some of us harder people to be around. Sometimes we have a mixture of both. I believe that if we want to improve the quality of our lives and the quality of the friends we have, we need to begin inside – with our quirks.

I started noticing that friends would want to hang out with me less, that people liked me less, that people wouldn’t help me with favors, and that – when I gripped on tighter – they would pull away more.

Why was this? I asked myself. What had I done?

After, months of this, I’d finally had an epiphany. Not a good one, an honest one. People were growing tired of my attitude, my state of mind, my neediness, and my negativity. I’d been an energy vampire, and no one wants to be around that.

I decided that if I want to fix my friendships, then I need to fix me.

A big problem with my friendships, I’ve noticed, is my negativity. Negativity can be really annoying and it can drain the people around you. No one wants to be around someone negative, so why should I be that someone? I need to change. I can’t say I’m depressed, and I can’t say I’m not. Either way, I won’t use that as a scapegoat; I need to hold myself accountable around my friends. They are my friends, not my therapists.

My first move toward being positive, will be to remove the negative things in my life, at least as many as I can, step by step.

How I go about this is not certain to me yet. What I start with is also not very clear. All I know is that, for now, I can fake it till I make it.


Hella Long Hiatus: Over. (update)

Sort of.

So my last post was almost a half a year ago… Time flies when you are caught up with existence.

Actually, more than a long time.

It has been an infinite amount of infinities.

Everything has gone by so terrifyingly fast and I just now am starting to catch up, but at the same time I am increasingly falling behind. So much has changed and so much is changing. November seems like forever ago.

Here’s an update on my life since I have last posted.

I’m back at school! WHOOP! This is one thing that I have been most excited about, I spent that semester off and I was with my best friends, but now I’m in my home away from home. Since being here I have noticed that I am no longer the same person that I was a year ago. I am much more mature, responsible, and happy.

Last year I was in this wonderful organization and I was broken-hearted when I had to leave it. My time in that organization gave me a family, and a true best friend. That best friend and I were partnered to work together on projects, activities, and such. Through that we grew close and he became so special and important to me.

Well, I was blessed to be given a second chance in this organization, as was Best Friend. However, while we are both in the same organization, it is so big that we don’t get to work together again, which is fair but makes me overthink our relationship because he has a new partner in crime. But that is another story for another day. Anyhow, I am ecstatic about being able to re-join the loudest and proudest organization at my university.

I’ve been doing semi-okay in my classes, I suppose. My classes are hard though so I’m basically going through hell dealing with at least one test each week the whole semester.

On a more serious note, I have gotten a lot healthier. But, while I got healthier, my mom has gotten sicker. In December, my mother was diagnosed with cancer (something of the sarcoma sort), so needless to say, my family does not have the best of luck with health. Things have just started (the chemo, the medications, etc.) recently though, so we will see how things go.

There is surely more I can mention, and surely less that I could have mentioned, but life moves on, so will I, so will you, and so will everyone and everything else. So we will get to talk about the more, we will get to forget about the less, and we will just keep moving.

Till next time.

Autoimmune Presenting Itself in Obscure Ways and How it Changed My Life

Once upon a time, I came down with an autoimmune disorder. Some of you may have wondered what I have meant about my recovery. Well this is my story.

It all started when halfway through my senior year of high school. I started having awful horrible obsessions and compulsions. I would sit there and worry about things that weren’t necessarily true or items that didn’t matter. It sent me into depression. Over my winter break from school, I began losing my ability to think about anything else and my thoughts made me incredibly anxious all the time to the extent of my inability to eat. When I did eat, to put it delicately, my food immediately emancipated my body the same way it came. This lasted for much longer resulting in my extreme loss of weight. At the close of my winter break I had begun to have major panic attacks. I don’t just mean internally freaking out, I mean curled up in a ball crying and wailing like a child just trying to escape my body.

At the genesis of my second semester, I began to go to school whilst barely holding myself together until my weekly appointments with a therapist and a psychiatrist. I began to have the attacks during school, but I was able to maintain them by just silently crying in the back of my classroom. Finally I started to have thoughts of self harm. It was then that I elected to go to the hospital.

At my entrance to the hospital, I was admitted with multiple diagnoses that did not mean anything to me other than that I was crazy. I spent three weeks here trying but failing to have any of my meds or therapies work. Finally as they do with every patient, they did my blood work, which presented an odd factor to my condition. It became apparent that I had an excess amount of antibodies for for a certain infection in my system. At learning this information, my father did research into the combination of OCD (my original diagnosis) and Strep. He found an obscure autoimmune disease that fit the bill.

At the realization of this, my parents began to look in to doctors who specialized in this and we fought to have the hospital release me so I could travel to see this specialist. When I finally did so, many tests were performed and it was determined that I did in fact have this obscure autoimmune disorder. I can’t even count how many times I was stuck with needles or put in a machine to prove this. Finally I learned what it really meant that I had this.

Turns out the antibodies I earlier discussed had been programmed by my genes to attack my brain when they ran out of actual bad things to fight. This caused brain swelling and the firing off of certain neurotransmitters, and the lack of firing of others which produced my symptoms of my previous diagnoses’. So I wasn’t mentally ill, I was just ill. I then was immediately put into a medical regimen and monitored and tested frequently over the next two months. I even had to undergo surgery to have my tonsils and adenoids taken out to prevent the production of strep antibodies. I eventually started to feel better and I was no longer depressed and I had less obsessions so I was finally able to return to school in time for graduation.

Over the following months, I had my ups and downs, but now that I am three years into this, my recovery, I haven’t felt better in my life and I am strong and even though I have hit many roadblocks, I remain resilient. I don’t have my symptoms anymore and I am so happy now with where my life is. So that’s my story.

What’s yours?